Alright, this is my first post and I only realized the gravity of my situation very recently, so uh. Here we go. This will be long.
>be 13 >new middle school, meet this dude >become fast enemies >girl this dude is crushing on likes me instead >start dating girl >dude decides to be my friend all of a sudden >ok >throughout relationship, dude keeps hatching schemes to steal her >ultimately becomes my genuine friend after relationship ends naturally >develop first iteration of "squad" with him >start hanging out almost everyday doing hoodrat shit >shoplifting, setting off fireworks, goofy 80s pranks like stinkbombs in stores and cherry bombs in cars >Entire squad gets together almost everyday for this >start high school and get into new relationship >dude and girl hate each other >constantly forced to choose between them >2 years later >relationship ends, decide "always bros over hoes" >second iteration of "squad" forms >deadass claimed this atrium portion of the building >drafted a "constitution" with tenets like, "if you cry, you die," or we had a height-weight index hung up and if you were obese - enemy of the state >squad becomes notorious scumbags >pranked staff and students alike, found out personal details of teachers, ect >doctrine formed where people outside of the squad were regarded as pariah to the squad >graduate high school, go away for college >dude goes to local community college, drops out >get into drug problem, I drop out two semesters later >both have drug problems >third iteration of squad forms >spend two years unemployed, doing drugs, traveling with them - stopping back at home to recuperate every few weeks >one of the new members of the "squad" ODs >snap out of it, get clean, go back to school >dude becomes increasingly distant from me >still consider him my best friend, but hey. Education is important >He starts spreading rumors about other members of the squad
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This is kinda weird and I wanna know if anyone else has similar experiences.
Long story short >met this guy off of a chan site 4 years ago >the only person I've ever met off a chan site.
>Meet up at his place after weeks of texting and snapping >distinctly remember all this because he's really tall in person. >turns out he used to live in my dorm and is an old friend of a lot of my new friends (I just transferred there). >see him occasionally throughout the following years.
This weekend I saw one of my old college friends post on his wall about how he can't believe this happened and he's such a great guy ect. I check his wall and it's flooded with comments and pictures because apparently he died last week. I feel so weird about it every time I think about it. We fell out of touch and honestly never got close, but it also feels like we had such a personal connection? I don't know. I know I didn't actually know him, like this is the first time I've thought of his name in many months. It just feels so bizarre and unreal like time just continues and this guy who's older than me and seemed to have his shit together is gone forever. I'm the only one who has these memories technically now. And then I think of all the people that I know who are older than him or many years older than him and it's like shit how did they survive? How many people have died that they knew? Probably a lot right? And then I think what am I doing with my life.
Is this normal to sometimes get this deeply effected by someone on the outskirts of your friend groups dying? I don't think I'm mourning, this isn't mourning right? I've had my uncle and grandmother die so I feel like I'm somewhat familiar with the feeling. I'm also wondering if anyone older (25+) can explain if like more of your friends die the older you get? It's startling because I only really think about the death of my main family.
my family is mental. my mother is a narcissist. I've just realised the extent of it end of december. like, im scared to write this cus maybe tangentially they might see it. I know they won't, but what if. I'm dissociating and going into anxious spirals all the time. when I came home I was properly manic for the first time, just aggressively laughing at everything really really hard until I cried but even then I didn't feel like I cried enough. anyways this is all bollocks important thing is im in therapy but the guy is expensive. I don't know what to say I just feel horrible. who gives a shit, I don't live at home really, im starting a master's, I have enough money and I have a job. the dependency is all in my head and theirs. I feel like my mother owns me and my body and it's making me want to go full Britney Spears shave my head etcetc. I feel mental and that sucks. I can't make myself come across properly. well, I know I could if I slowed down, but I really don't want to. im doing bullshit like 750words.com and yoga on youtube as well but... talk some sense into me 4chan im acting like a pathetic piece of shit and letting myself freefall right now
pic is from a text convo between my dad (white) and my mum (blue) talking about me
She's always talking to someone on her phone, even when it's late at night, just her and I. She admittedly has "guy friends" from her teenage years and I'm certain that these guys are holding conversations with her. If I ask who she's talking to or what's going on she becomes irate and claims I am controlling, just like her ex. We've been together for six months. Should I abandon her before I waste more time, or am I just overthinking this?
My gf brought up that she didn't cut off two guys she hooked up with.
She gave me the whole "we tried hooking up for a bit, it was a while ago, we agreed it was a shit situation so we stopped, we have loads of mutual friends, and it's not like I initiate texting him or he initistes texting me to 'check in' we just have friends in common and grew up in the same area . If we caught up you mean I wouldn't be allowed to? I know you don't want to meet him but he is part of my group and he isn't a bad guy"
I wanted to dump her on the spot. That's what based and redpilled people would do, I've been in situations like this before and I did the "alpha" thing and walked.
This time I tried not to be so black and white so I was like "fine whatever I trust you" and she was like "ugh it's not like I want to actively hang out with him anyways"
Did I do the mature thing or did I invite myself to cuckoldry? Should I just find a new girl now and save myself the drama