So I need to get something off my chest. I feel a great deal of remorse and regret over things I have done online. I have a girlfriend, we've been together for 4 years. I love her. But I have been dishonest with myself and her. I believe that due to excessive consumption of internet porn, I have done things I find reprehensible. I have shared explicit photos of myself, and her, due to fetishes developed through consumption of porn. I have read on dealing with feelings like regret and remorse. I know I never should have done what I did. And I can only endeavour to improve in future. I am quitting porn cold turkey, removing the trigger so to speak. I can never make this right, truly. I know as much. My actions have caused me a lot of mental issues, resulting in insomnia, self harm, and suicidal thoughts. I had read writing down what you have done and how sorry you are can help with these feelings. So that's what I am doing here.
Basically I've larped as a serious, unemotional, chill guy my whole life because that's just what people saw me as and I rolled with it. But the truth is I'm extremely volatile and emotional and just bottled it up. As a result I have no clue who I am and have never connected honestly with anyone.
I'm starting to identify more with my emotions but I don't really know what to do with them. It just feels wrong to show people that I'm angry, or upset, or even that I like them. I don't know how to even start externalizing what I feel, I'm scared of being too weird or intense, help.
I'm an 18yo zoomer and I don't have any friends. It's not really a problem for me as I've gotten used to it, but I want to know why I can't fit in. I had friends as a kid but once I was in secondary school I just couldn't talk to anyone and got mercilessly bullied.
I'm quite into art and animation so a few years back I (regrettably) joined Discord and started engaging with the Twitter communities for those subjects and couldn't mesh with the people there at all, and that still rings true.
I'm not 'woke', I don't believe in trans stuff and won't support it (for a few reasons, though mostly because they're obsessed with drag queens and children), nor do I give a shit about somebody being gay or black. There's being mindful of others and there's being too sensitive which I think a lot of these types are, and it seems like a lot of people are competing to see who can be more 'oppressed'. I don't really think the ironic humour is funny and there seems to be an aura of embarrassment over being genuine.
Maybe I'm just some psychopath who doesn't know it? Do I lack empathy? In my last two years of school, I was in a class full of the non-normie, more 'alt' type zoomers and I still couldn't 'vibe' (god I hate that word) with their personalities/humour or agree with them on anything. I've finished school and am looking for work now but I doubt that many relationships in the type of office job that I'm looking for are genuine. What's gone so wrong with me that I can't fit in with anybody at all?
Continuation to this thread https://archive.4plebs.org/adv/thread/29047525/
After this thread I decided that I have to go, but I'm currently 18 with only a high school diploma and no citizenship or anything like that. How do I sustain myself there? I already have parents' credit card, but I want to be independent ASAP and live comfortably there (my standards are not too high). In general I need a way to reside there without being an illegal and a way to sustain myself there.
Like I said on previous thread, I want to finish a Computer Science degree for the qualification and all that.
When I am leaving a social situation, whether it's with one person or more, I typically do not like to do a handshake or hug or anything with physical contact. When people want to do the handshake/fist bump thing I never know what they're trying to do and it makes me look awkward. Hugging is often too close for some people. So is it ok to just walk away?
>been hanging out (this girl calls them dates) >she has been coming up a little more touchy with me >grabs my arm while walking, sits super close to me when we are together,etc >at the same time “i am not looking for a relationship” “not looking for a hookup” >we have been on about 20 dates, each getting more comfortable with me, sometimes twice or thrice a week
Getting red and green lights constantly
I met a girl a few months ago and we clicked really well. She's physically attractive, was a virgin before me, sex every day, generally respectful and shares a lot of common interests. Overall it's been a great relationship so far, but of course there's a catch.
She's 25 and a total NEET. She has her own place but her family are well-off and pay for everything. She is diagnosed autistic, so am I, if that helps. But like today it's early Tuesday afternoon and she's still in bed, and I think she's putting on weight because she rarely exercises.
It seems she doesn't have to worry about money, and she's said she doesn't want to be financially dependent on me, which is good because that's not on offer. She says she's tired because of hormones etc but most women cope with this okay.
Should I not worry about this and just keep enjoying the relationship? Like I don't mind, we still have fun, if she can afford this lifestyle then up her, right? Or should I be concerned that her behavior is unsustainable and unhealthy?
When I was younger I briefly went to college, but my mental health was in the crapper so I flunked out after a couple semesters. I'm still in debt from that (it was an expensive liberal arts school). I later tried to go to community college...I did better there but eventually stopped going cause I got a job and it was too difficult for me to juggle school & work.
Lately I've been thinking about going back but the process seems overwhelming. Plus I don't know if I'd qualify for financial aid if I'm in debt and I wouldn't be able to go without that. Even if I did end up returning, I worry that it would just end with me dropping out without anything to show for it again. Is this worth pursuing