I have a good life. I have a loving boyfriend who's planning to marry me, I have a decent job, I have things I enjoy doing, I'm going to school, everything is going fine. But some part of me desperately wants to ditch all this and become a total degenerate. I want to ditch my boyfriend to seek out girls, I want to quit my job and start leeching off guys, I want to get into drugs, I want to assault someone. I attacked some stoner girl 6 months ago, kicked her in the head, tumbled to the ground, and pulled out her gauges. Last month I beat my boyfriend up out of fucking nowhere and we haven't talked about it. I've been walking around in skirts in the dark not caring if someone gets me. I've been having weird fantasizes about fucking my ex's old girlfriend. I'm considering hitting him up again to see if he's still doing psychedelics but my relationship involves shared passwords. I've been jerking off to my own nudes because I feel guilty watching porn.
Over the past few days I have been putting together a family tree using the research that mormons do. I like researching my family because I am the last male in my family, and we have all had the same name for hundreds of years. I have always known that my dad has a daughter from a previous marriage, let's call her Abigail. I have never met Abigail, as my dad has always told me that her mother despised him and told her horrible things about him, making her not want to interact with him, despite my dad always paying his child support and attempting to connect with his daughter whenever he could. While doing research for my family tree, I of course wanted to include Abigail, so I started rooting around trying to find her mother. The only thing I have ever known about her mother is that her name was Sarah. Unfortunately I could not find the right woman. While filling out the family tree on my dad's side, I was filling in my once removed first cousins when I realized that I couldn't figure out if one of them was still alive or not, because I had never met her. Despite being mentioned in obituaries of my great grandparents, I could not find this woman on facebook, and I am friends with all of my family on there. I did some serious googling, until I found her. It turned out that she is married to a woman and not friends with her sister or nieces on facebook, so it looks like she had been shunned by that side of the family. I went to adding her, her wife, and their kids to the family tree when I noticed something strange. Her oldest daughter, which was actually born from her and not adopted like her youngest ones, kept showing up on google as having the same first name as my half sister, Abigail. Even more odd, her mother's name was the same as my dad's ex-wife, Sarah. I thought this was just a weird error by the people tracking websites, so i went to compare the places lived by both my dad, once removed first cousin, and her daughter. 1/?
I'm 22 years old and have never had sex. I'll be 23 soon. I feel like such a freak for never even having a single sexual experience in my life. Never kissed a girl either. It's gotten to the point where I'm depressed most days knowing that I'm just not able to accomplish what most other people have done years before me.
I'm scared that even if I do find a partner, it won't matter for them, since at this age, it's all about material possessions and status. I feel like a child in an adult's body for having missed out on the most important developmental milestone. How do I cope with all of this? How do I cope knowing that even if I do manage to get into a relationship, the experience levels will be vastly different, and I won't mean anything to anybody?
I'm also getting busier with work and school, so I doubt I'll even get to truly experience the young, carefree love most people hold dear to their hearts.
Am I wrong for luring lonely men into difficult dating situations? Such as long distance in order to get a girlfriend? one of them can have a relationship with me for real if they get the money to travel to me
I have another fantasy. So there's some random chick I know. She seems average,dull even,hell she's in the top 5 of the most cliché people I know. Despicably pathetic. So I want to test her. I buy two handguns and a magazine full of bullets in order not to raise suspicion. I take the guns home and throw all the bullets but one into the trash bin then load one of the guns. Then I wait out for a couple weeks for an opportunity to have her come in here. In this meantime I fill up a copybook that's supposed to be my diary with pervy and creepy stuff about her,make it sound like I've been stalking her for months.
When the opportunity arrives I invite her into my home,offer her a warm greeting and talk to her normally for a few mins.
Out of a sudden I draw my loaded gun and put it against her head. Laugh and threaten to kill her. At this point I'll get so turned on when seeing her reaction,her fear,her wish to stay alive just a little longer. She'd beg me not to shoot. She'd promise to fuck me and what not.
What I'd do next would be puzzling. I'd throw my gun towards her arms so that she can catch it. Scared and surprised she's take hold of it. I'd stare right into her eyes and tell her to pick it up and point it at me. Dating and provocative my voice would try to persuade her through a combination of insults and remarks to shoot me in the head. Which she would do....but if she doesn't I would grab my other gun and threaten her to shoot me lest I kill her. I wanna see the indeciveness,the horror,the dread in her eyes as she'd know she gotta murder. If that doesn't work either I'd mention the copybook,claiming that should she take it she could frame it as self defense against a weirdo who was trying to kill her. If that doesn't work either I'd kill her.
Hey anons. I'm 29 and over the last 6 years or so I notice that I've been getting seasonal depression. I feel down, I get insomnia, I have very little desire to do anything, very little motivation to do anything, feel lethargic, and generally just very, very unhappy and nihilistic. Each year it seems to be getting worse and worse, and especially the past two years I noticed it's become unbearable.
I've noticed roughly a week and a half ago that I've been very low energy and seemingly down for no apparent reason, even almost -needy- to a certain extent. Trying to find some validation and social interaction for the sake of not feeling so empty, only to realize that, most likely seasonal depression hit me again just now. Took me a week to muster the willpower to just sit down and type this out and ask for some advice.
I've had four or so appointments with a therapist long ago who tl;dr just take anti depressants they will help and never go off of them. And I never did, as I also suffer from mild-severe generalized anxiety. I would ask a proper therapist these questions and advice but the current line to get a therapist covered by my health insurance is just under a year...
So now for the actual advice. What do I do? Are there any supplements I should be taking? Is there anything I absolutely must add to my daily routine to 'fight back' against this massive void of energy and motivation to do absolutely anything, even eat, cook, and shower? I genuinely seem to have a hard time to even accomplish the most necessary tasks in a day, I spent all the time inbetween tasks either F4ing 4chan, staring at the screen absent mindedly, or participating in really boring conversations just to get some kind of validation? that I exist at this moment.
Currently talking to 2 girls, I like both of them but one of them I really feel a connection with. Next week I'm meeting both of them (not at the same time lol but probably a day apart). Think I was initially too keen on the girl I really like though, and it feels like I'm borderline friendzone. When I meet her should I mention that I hung out with the other girl? Should I be subtle, like have a picture of her on my phone screen and show her something on it so she sees?
I've heard girls knowing other girls are talking to you can make you seem like a higher value male, is this true?
Is there any need to do this, or will she be able to tell through pheromones etc that I'm spending time with another girl?