This seems retarded, but let me elaborate. I was raised with the philosophy in the lines of "no point crying over spilled milk" or "blood and sweat get results, tears are pointless". Not to mention, being a guy in my primitive little community means you are emotinally handicapped and if you are caught crying, it's a sign of weakness.
Years went, I developed anxious depression, a lot of shit happened during that time but this isn't a story about the shit that happened to me, this is a story about crying. As you can tell, a lot of shit in the lines of; sadness, guilt, self-blame, anger, frustration, desperation, got supressed. A lot of emotions people feel on a daily basis, but they don't seem to be unable to function, because they don't let it pile up.
I had a healthy relationship, being enrolled in a respectable college, in another city far away from home and parents, everything seemed perfect, until, of course I fucked it all up because of all the baggage I carried with me. I had to return home, go to college there, live back with my folks. Then I recently visited the city I was living in for a year and all the good memories came back, except they stung like alcohol on a wound because I remembered what I had and what I've lost. The ride home was the longest thing ever because time slows down when you're guilt-tripping yourself. I came home, put on my tired-from-the-road-guy mask and went to bed. After years of playing heart of stone I finally cracked and wept. It wasn't sadness, it was a release of all the garbage my mind was automatically supressing over the long years. For the first time in a long while I felt like I was dropping weights I didn't even knew I was carrying. It was a human reaction. It was beautiful. I want to cry again and I don't know how, I don't believe this solved all my problems, but it did help, more than any medication I've tried.
Becoming an adult sucks. I realize this. I have always known in my early teen years that even in my angriest and most pitiful moments, "I CAN'T WAIT TO BE AN ADULT" is a very stupid thing to say, because really humans are only truly free of all the shit in the world when they're young. Unfortunately, even though I realized this early on, I took this fact for granted and failed to prepare for adulthood, opting instead to ignore it, and now here I am feeling overwhelmed by the burden of responsibility and work that is coming my way in the coming months.
I worked my ass off to get my GED, and I have realized now that I enjoy computer work. I have been programming for about 4 years now(I am 19), and I am pretty ahead of most CS students in terms of experience in that regard. I know how to use control systems like Git, and I know a wide variety of fields ranging from low level stuff like Assembly and Reverse Engineering, to C++ and C# and Python. Additionally, I also know Web Development as well, and I can now craft decent looking websites that work very easily.
So, I'm probably going to college soon for Web Development.
Ok, that's good. I know what work I would like to do that won't make me want to kill myself. That's what I've always wanted.
But I'm still not happy.
I'm going to college in August for Comp Sci, and I've been studying my ass off for Math, and it turns out I really enjoy Math. I also really enjoy Philosophy, reading, Music, etc... All of which require free time and time to myself to enjoy properly. Right now I have an abundance of time to myself, but that time is slipping away, and it is filling me with dread that soon, I'll be locked in the 9-5 work week for the rest of my life, having no free time or energy to pursue the hobbies I love to do and fill me with joy aside programming.
This is fucking terrible, and it actually is making me fucking suicidal to think about it. Surely there has be more to life than being an automaton. There has to be.
>New girl starts at work a couple months ago >Extremely attractive, real quiet, shy in a cute way >About a month ago we start talking, seems like we're vibing >Fast forward a couple weeks and I'm out at a get together with a bunch of coworkers, all drinking at a bar >Me and this girl end up sitting away from everyone at the bar and we have a great conversation, seems like we're really vibing now, have things in common, I'm really starting to like her, etc etc >Later that night things happen. No sex because we weren't able to for a few reasons, but we both obviously wanted to >Next day we wake up and everything seems fine >Next week at work she was suddenly more distant >Tried giving her space, figured she just felt awkward and she's usually kinda quiet anyway >Been weird and distant ever since >Sometimes we talk and she seems like she really wants to talk, keeps the conversation going, etc >Other times she won't speak to me for days >Asked her out a few times, I never get a "no". Just a bullshit "I'm busy but I'll let you know about next weekend" type response >Never lets me know >One of the times I asked her I said something like "hey, if you're not interested it's ok you can just let me know". She responded with a "no! I'm busy but I'll let you know about next weekend" >Never get an answer. Ask her that Friday if she figured her schedule out, she fucking forgot I even asked her out
It's been shit like this for the past month. The fuck is going on with this girl? I mean, I guess obviously I should just move on but I don't understand why she's acting this way and giving me all these mixed signals. If she didn't like me all she had to do was say so. Anybody ever been in a similar situation? What went wrong and what the fuck do I do?
How do I deal with having a younger brother who's better than me in every way? Let me be clear: I love my brother and I'm so insanely proud of everything he's accomplished and what a good person he is. But sometimes, it gets hard to think about how someone would have no reason to be me if they had the option to be him instead.
(Some stats if you're curious:)
Me: >5'7", 130 lbs (fwiw there's a gym at the office where I just started working, and I now go every day) >5/10 >weak jaw, thin shoulders, the works. >vidya
Him: >6', idk like 180 lbs >9/10 >Perfectly proportioned, handsome motherfucker >concert pianist
I'm wondering right now if I should talk to the dean about my professor, but I'm scared she would do something to my grades.
Here's some context. >Constantly late to class >Doesn't lecture at all >Spends the whole period rambling about the minutiae of her daily life >Makes us watch YouTube videos of TV shows that are only very vaguely related to the topic and have VERY little educational value (she makes us watch episode after episode of this and it doesn't help us learn anything new) >Sometimes we look at some case studies from the textbook and have to answer it in class >When we do this, she doesn't offer any criticism to our answers at all and just tells us we did a great job and claps for us >Then she just glosses over information over the project and one of my fellow classmates has to bombard her with questions just so she would give us information that should have been included when she assigned it to us >Then she gave us a take home midterm with questions that we naturally don't know the answer to because she never discussed anything (which means we have to read all the chapters that should've been discussed in class)
It feels like she's just there because she has to be there to collect her paycheck and has no regard as to whether or not her students learn the course material and would make us do the reading ourselves just so she doesn't have to lecture and could just turn on the projector and make us watch shit of little substance.