do you want to die, though? it could be that you're just depriving comfort in your pitiful state. its a safe place to live in, after all. why would you endanger yourself to the risks of happiness if you can wallow in melancholy? not that it's bad in itself, but don't kid yourself with thoughts like that.
i believe in you anon. i believe that, given the real thought, you would rid yourself of your life without anyone noticing. its not that hard of a math problem.