Can it carry 7 passengers like most vans and SUV's?>Forces you to maintain one companion in life. Less emotional stress & no need for financially dependent children. Better for your mental health.
Can it carry a half-ton of bricks like an F-150?>Absolutely. Make a bunch of trips. You'll enjoy each one.
Can it tow a loaded trailer interstate like any full-size truck?>Even better. You can load your Funko Pop collection onto the available roof rack.
Can it off-road like a Jeep?
Ever heard of the 959? Porsche knows how to make an offroad car. You bet it can. See picrel
Can it not rape your wallet in parts when it breaks like a Camry doesn't?>They made over 100K of them. Parts are plentiful & engines are known to go to 300k km easily.