I can remember the child I was. I can remember deep sadness and longing in my heart even when days were brighter. But back then I felt true joy and loved and felt so nakedly. I could cry and I could feel my laughter.
He hates to see what I've become. He is betrayed. He never thought I would turn out to be so weak or such a genuinely bad person. He believed he would grow up to be brave and noble. He never expected to learn that he was selfish or cowardly. He never expected to become so toxic or to hurt so many people. He never thought we'd wind up being the bad guy.
I remember feeling a deep, blue nostalgia and longing tinged with grief and loss every day. And then one day I became numb. I couldn't feel that hurt in my chest anymore, and I stopped feeling excitement and butterflies in my stomach from then on. I forgot how to cry one day, and one day the laughter all became hollow.
I felt nothing but hate for so many years because I couldn't feel anything else, and then I burned out when I stopped being angry. I stopped feeling disgust and shame when my standards got low enough and I had wallowed in my own filth long enough. Separation stopped hurting. Loneliness stopped hurting. I stopped feeling guilty about losing people.
I can feel the rot and the taint in my soul. For so long I thought the light inside was untouchable, but I truly feel filthy in my soul now.