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My life is directionless + in fucking shambles

No.23700940 View ViewReplyOriginalReport
I've been struggling with major depressive disorder for about a decade now (I'm 25). I thought there were various low points in my life (dad self-destructed via bipolar disorder and ended parents' marriage, dropped out multiple times, psych ward from suicidal thoughts), but after being robbed at gunpoint at my shitty job a few months ago, I've essentially become a shut-in and afraid of living.

I can't go to a market anymore without being triggered by the soundtrack and getting anxious. Not to mention COVID making the base level anxiety rise.

I border on indecision for something as simple as eating ("I'm not worth feeding myself" is a recurring thought).

My therapist dropped me at the end of the year since my insurance was just too irritating to deal with for them. I stopped my meds once I lost my job because I can't afford them anymore - and all the buproprion and lexapro did was make me numb and stimulated enough to hold down a job.

I've become the world's bitch. My worldview and personality got shattered into tiny little pieces and picking them back up again is an agonizing effort that keeps (metaphorically) cutting me.

Cleaning my room is a way for me to reminisce about how pathetic I was and am still when going through schoolwork I completed. It's still a mess because of how bad this dread gets.

I don't feel ready for anything other than shriveling up in the fetal position.

What do I do? Find another therapist? Throw myself into travelling if COVID ever stops? Eat better and exercise?

I feel like I'm beyond repair, really.