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I’m 18 today. I won’t lie, I’ve lurked on this site since I was younger but I’ve refrained from posting until now.
Spending my 18th alone made me realise just how hopeless I am. Everyone else I knew, despite any issue they may have, have a social circle, go out and do things and have hope for their future, as well as memories of past years spent doing the same thing. I don’t have any of that, and I’ll continue to waste my life at this rate.

I don’t know what to do with my life. I don’t have any friends and am incapable of connecting with others; I’m not on the spectrum but I’ve been isolated most of my life and grew up in a pretty bad household (my mum actually took me to a therapist when I was 15 and I got diagnosed with PTSD, but I’m still on the therapy waiting list), and I view others as so alien now there’s no hope, I think my misanthropy and social isolation have gone past the point of no return. I have no career path/anything I want to do, and I have no hobbies anymore. Most days I eat, sleep and repeat. My body is collapsing from years of rejecting eating out of hatred for myself, and most days I’m so exhausted from something as simple as walking for a little while that I collapse onto my bed as soon as I get home.

I don’t know what to do. This should be a fresh start, but I’ve never felt so hopeless. I know I shouldn’t but I resent normal ‘happy’ people and know that I’ll never be able to join them, even if I had incentive to get better my quirks are too built into me now and I can’t see a life other than this for me.
Sorry for sounding like such a whiny bitch, I’m just really miserable. I wish I could’ve turned out differently, but I don’t think there’s anything I could’ve changed. Younger me honestly tried to make some sort of connection with others or find something I liked, and even then I still failed. Suicide is something I actually wanted to go through with today, but I’m a wimp and couldn’t bring myself to do it.