Interesting post anon. For context I am >>28580001
I'm curious about your experience with gender dysphoria. Do you feel like you hyperfocus too much on gender roles, almost as if it were obsessive thinking? What I mean to get at is, if the idea of gender were nonexistent, would your problem "go away"? There seem to be similarities with gender dysphoria and other mental illnesses revolving around incessant thoughts such as anxiety, depression, OCD and many others. I suppose it makes me wonder if a significant amount of this dysphoria could be abolished with proper CBT. As with these other illnesses I listed, it can become almost addictive to be that way, and you can find yourself in a position where you are defensive about your depression for example, which only makes it worse, as you can imagine.
In my own experience, I had found myself the victim of my own thoughts, something I'm sure you can relate to. But after I had decided to not go through with my transition, I began to beat it into my head that gender doesn't matter as much as I thought. I began to flip back and forth between being a man and woman online, with the thought that it doesn't matter and no one should care to begin with. We are just humans after all, and I think our merit as a person is mostly derived from what put put out into the universe so to speak. I think that helped me overcome many of my anxieties revolving around the problem. These days I don't really think about masculinity or femininity anymore, I'm just "me", if that makes sense.
Let me know what you think, and I don't mean to disparage how you feel, so sorry if it comes across that way.