When I observe a desirable female, I always approach with caution.
Any rival humans may jeopardize my attempt. Always make sure my belt is tight, so I can avoid being "pantsed".
Once I am in a safe distance, I scream "HELP"
I now have the goddess's attention
I slowly walk over, like a flying buttress, careful not to scare the beautiful creature.
she is taken aback..but it is okay..it is okay..she is just scared
I have come to understand that, like many animals, women are much more afraid of me than I am of them
I as her eyes meet mine, I quickly POUNCE to close the distance between us and discourage her from escaping.
We stare at each other, two souls locked in hypothetical genital combat
I take a bite of my lucky onion
Small enough so that she cannot see it. If she were to see me eat an onion, my chances with her would be over
I draw up closer, put my hand on her arm and whisper "my love" into her ear
I play with her hair and lick her face
She screams and runs
Not being easily discouraged, I give chase
We end up back at her house. So many memories of the nights I have waited in the backyard doing reconnaissance. She locks the door before I can get to her.
Does she think I am some kind of fool? A monkey she can just deterr with a slice of bannana nut muffin. Nay, says I. I am much more than that.
I bang on the door.
She does not open.
Hmm. Smart girl. I must be craftier
"PIZZA DELIVERY!" I shout.
The door opens. A big burly specimen of a man walks out. I have dubbed him stupidus dipshittius from our previous encounters. He may have a bigger body, but I, YES I, HAD THE BIGGER MIND. I SPRINTED AWAY from that house, knowing that I was outmatched. 3 hours after I returned to my cave, mother called me. We had visitors. A lawyer. It seems she wants to sue me.
Well, you beautiful lovely cutey patootie
I will have you yet